July 20, 2010

Who is to blame?

I am confused, sad, and feel sick to my stomach.  That is the only way to describe it.
There was a terrible accident in my community over the weekend that involved the death of an 11 year old boy. 
The family was involved in our community and I knew the dad from coaching hockey.  Like my son, the little boy who violently passed played hockey and baseball.  My son and him also attended the same private Catholic school and the mom and I had become friends through Facebook over the last two years as we both attended college and tried to find balance.
The cause of death?  A drunk driver.
A 27 year old drunk driver whose last Facebook postings had all involved wanting and needing a "smoke."  A 27 year old woman with mental issues ( I have heard schizophrenia), living in publicly funded housing, who had decided not to take her drugs anymore because they were "messing with her."
This horrible tragedy follows the murder in a car wash of a complete stranger in a city near ours by a 27 year old man who was schizophrenic and had recently been released from a mental hospital.
A couple years back - less than a mile from our house a boy killed his stepmother with an ax in their backyard- only hours after the parents had attempted to check him into a hospital for schizophrenic behavior, but because he was 18, he was released.
Does anyone else see a really f'd up pattern here?
I know that our state pays a lot of money to "take care of their own" with things like Medical Assistance and Public housing, etc.  But what about these people?  They are clearly dangerous.  Why is nothing being done about them? 
Clearly they are hurting others, innocent people- some of whom had even tried to help them.
Can you blame someone who kills because they are mentally sick? 
I have sat for two days hating this girl who killed an innocent boy not much different than my own.  I hate her for drinking and driving and for making my sons friends cry and learn a lesson that 10 year old should not have to learn yet. 
I have heard she is on a suicide watch and I want to be the person watching her- to make sure she doesn't kill herself.  I want her to be alive.  I want her to live a long and healthy life where she is haunted hourly by what she did.
But then, I realize that my hate is doing nothing.  It is making me angry at someone who clearly felt no need to live before this even happened.  Clearly no one cared or supported her, or they would have seen the things happening and stopped them or at least gotten help.  Or maybe they did and no one would help them.  I don't know, I can only hope.
One thing I do know is I am the opposite of her.  I have a strong and loving community around me and seeing this outpouring of love from the families involved in the sports this little boy played shows me that no matter what happens, my family will not be alone.  I will have help if I ever need it and so will my son and husband.  We are blessed.
To all of you- please PLEASE hug your children very tightly tonight and tell them you love them over and over again.  If they want to play a board game- please do.  If they want to tell you a story about their day, please listen with intent.  I know I have been.
This accident has hit way too close to my heart and home.  I am searching for a reason in a world that will not give me one.  I am scared that no matter how much I protect my child... there is no rhyme or reason for what happens. 
I am confused, sad, and feel sick.

July 16, 2010


I thought I would just go ahead and post this as a new blog since it seemed to be the number one questions I was asked.
It is NOT okay with me that my hubs quit his job.  Not at all.  Not a single teensy tiny bit okay.
I am furious.  Mainly because this is not our first time going through this.  A year and a half ago we seperated because of this exact same reason.  I am hurt.  I am dissapointed.  And I feel like my son's and my needs dont matter.
That being said...
My husband is in all other ways a great guy.
He is a fantastic father who supports me fully in all things I choose to do.  When I see how my friends husbands treat them, talk to them, etc, I am often shocked because my husband would never treat me like that. 
He has loved and adored me at my thinnest and my largest.  Sometimes I think he doesn't even notice what I look like.  What I can say is that the best way I can explain how he treats me, is that he adores me.  Not in a creepy stalker way, but in a way that makes me feel special- when I let it.
I did not grow up feeling unconditional love from my family.  My husband did.  He loves me like this.  I don't know how to love him this same way, and yet he understands and accepts that about me.
By no means does this make what he has done okay.  It does not change the fact that he is very irresponsible with money and planning for the future.
Looking back, when we got married I was the same way.  I have changed- he hasn't.  He is the same guy I married ten years ago and I didn't have a problem with it then.
So, basically I am stuck with the issue of leaving him and being forced to be in charge completely (which I am now going to have to  be anyway) or staying together in a very secure family for our son.  I know my son will be picked up and taken places by his dad, which makes me sad because it isn't me.  I will have to be the one working and pushing ahead in a career that I don't love.  My hubs will get to enjoy being a stay at home parent- which is all I want to be in the world.  I will at least again be able to sleep at night (once I find a new job with benefits, etc) because I will only have to depend on me.
So, thats where the big decisions come in that I talked about in my last post.
I know that I am the one who controls how happy I am.  I can choose to hate my husband or accept him.  I just don't know what the right answer is.

July 15, 2010

An announcement to make

Nope, I haven't decided about the surgery.  There is actually more at play in that decision now since my hubs decided to quit his job without telling me and leave us with no insurance... Remember the whole time I thought there was something just mixed up- oh no, it was just cancelled. 
If you cant tell I am kinda pissed about it.
But, I digress...
I weighed myself this morning and the scale said 229.5.  I have lost almost 15 pounds since the day I freaked out at 243.5!
I am very excited about this, but can't figure out where I have lost it from because things dont seem to be fitting me any different.  Maybe I was just carrying the 15 lbs around in my cheeks and chin?
So thats all I wanted to say.  I haven't dropped off the edge of the Earth, but I do have some huge decisions to make... so I may appear here from time to time to purge my mind before I suffocate. 
Is that ok if this isn't only about weight loss?  I guess its my blog and what I say goes.  I just love hearing about all of you girls successes and then I come on here and its... head in the toilet time- just trying to get it all out.

June 24, 2010

Hello everyone out there in Blog land

Hi everyone!
I know I have been gone for forever and that has been a concious decision on my part.
I am still reading all of your blogs and updates, but have hit a point where I am not sure if the band is right for me?  I worry alot about the actual surgery and also about upkeep of things like fills, etc. 
I am looking at things in my life closely- and analyzing many of the things I read in your blogs; both good and bad, about the band.
I had hit a point in my life where I felt this decision needed to be rushed, but have now hit a point where I feel like I need to take some time to think about whether it is right for me.  
So, thats where I am. :)

June 1, 2010

I have a question for you....

Do any of you feel like your persona on your blog is so different than what you are in real person?
In real person I am fun, happy, and pretty easy going.  I don't really tell people what is bothering me- instead I just carry it around.. or at least I used to until I found this blog.
Here I spill it all... often without thinking.  I get it out here and then move on with my day.
Is that why I am not getting followers?
Is this blog too negative?
I actually have two other blogs- one about books and one that I am developing for my extended family and Facebook friends to read.  I don't talk like this at those.
I guess in a way it doesn't matter if anyone likes reading this or not.  My mind feels clearer and it is easier to figure things out when I write on here.
And that's what matters.
BTW!  I ran tonight- a HALF MILE!!!! And, it was after I had already walked 1.5 miles.
I am SOOOOO proud of myself.
Crazy thing is- even with all of this exercise and making better food choices... I am not losing weight.
I am even keeping track of what I eat at ADailyPlate.com - AND NO WEIGHT LOSS.
But I am so proud of myself right now I don't care. :)

Best weekend ever... followed by.... Blah

Hi everyone!  I came home this morning from the best Holiday weekedn I have had in a long time!  I am so proud of myself- I found a two mile walk and did it twicw while we were gone.
I also ate relatively well, so that helped too!
I was concious of being a mom that played with my son and we had a good time together!
The weekend went so fast, but it felt good to be "present."  Does that make sense?  There was even a moment on the beach- with the son shining down on me and the wind blowing through my hair... that I stopped and kinda meditated for a little bit.  It felt like life was good.
I was even in a good mood this morning!  We woke up at 6am to drive the hour and a half back from the cabin.  It was horrible traffic, but I smiled and didn't swear once.  I dropped my son off at school and was speeding to work and got pulled over!!! That didn't even dampin my mood.  I just thought,"well, I was speeding."  and waited for my ticket.  Get this- I didn't get one!!!  The policeman just gave me a warning.  That never happens to me!  I was giddy and laughing the whole way into work.
And now, here I sit.  The stress is pounding in my chest.  I am tired and droopy and miserable.
This job is all wrong for me.
And yet I stay because my hours are great and I make really decent money for working 3/4th time.
Anyone have any advice?  I could really use it.

May 26, 2010

My journey of weight loss...and gain... and weight loss again... and gain...

SOOO... I told you a while ago I would tell you my story...
And then I didn't.  And it was because of insurance.
But now I don't care because I have no idea what is going on with my insurance... and I have no idea when or if I am going to get this surgery...  so I am going back to what I know...
Diet pills.
And it sucks...
But, I don't know what else to do.
See, when I was in college, I weighed a very respectable 180 lbs... but thought I was HUGE.
And, some of my friends went on Phen Fen... and looked great... SO I DID TOO.
And I lost ALOT of weight.  I dropped down to 155.  I was sooo happy.  I was a lifeguard and not afraid to wear my swimming suit in public!  I partied, played, and eventually met the guy who is my husband now. 
And then, they made Phen Fen illegal.
And I shot up to 200 lbs.
I found a dr who prescribed Phentermine by itself.
And I started taking that... and I dropped to 175.
And I was happy.
I partied, played, and eventually found out I was pregnant...
And then, I gained all 25 lbs back in a month  and a half.
And then during my pregnancy I got up to 315 lbs.
But then I was so happy being a mom.  I walked everyday and pretty consistently lost about 5 lbs a month for about 2 years until I reached about 240.
I was comfortable where I was, but we wanted to start trying for another child... and we did try... for two years... AND nothing happened.
And. the dr said it was probably my weight... which made sense to me since I had gotten pregnant the first time while on Phentermine.
So... I went back to that same weight loss dr and went back on Phentermine.
And I started to lose weight.
And I kept up the walking, but also added spinning, hip hop dance class, running, and weight lifting.
I also made small changes in the way I ate.  Choosing a McDonalds cone over a Dairy Queen blizzard...
I also did things like park further away from the store.
My son had never been in an elevator because we ALWAYS took the stairs.  I ran and played and truly was a very involved and fun mom.  When the other moms were sitting, I was the one on the monkey bars with the kids.
And I got down to 179 lbs...
And I felt even better.
Then... as you can read from my "depression" post earlier, my life changed.
I had to go back to work.  I hated it.
I remember asking my work if there was any way I could switch my computer to a standing position all day because I hated just sitting there.  My body was in shock.
Here's the kicker.  I went to work for LA Weight Loss.  I was the poster child there because I had been through everything the people who needed help were going through.  And I gave them good advice.
I helped A LOT of people.
But none of them ever knew I was on Phentermine this whole time.
It was a tool for me, like the band is for many of you.
And, I rocked it.
But slowly... the saddness I had that my world had changed so unexpectedly in a way that I really didn't want... just got to be too much.
And I don't know if the tool stopped working, or I just didn't care anymore.
I slowly (over two years) got to 200 lbs.
And I was ok with it because I told myself I wasn't working out anymore and as soon as I started again, I could drop the weight fast.
But then I was at 220... and taking the pills seemed like a waste of time and money.
So, in November, I stopped taking them.
And the last week in December 2009 I went to my first meeting about the band.
I have had no Phentermine since then.
And three weeks ago, I weighed in at 243 lbs.
Today, I weighed 235 lbs.
And also today... I took a Phentermine.
I scheduled an appointment with the "drug doctor" for next Thursday.
I'm going back on Phentermine.

*I had really wanted to be all together when I posted this and include pics from each of these moments... but this just came bursting out when I took this pill today... so I promise I will post pics of each of these moments in the next couple days.

May 25, 2010


I'm at a crossroads right now.  The insurance "issue"- which I still don't completely understand- is still a problem.
My surgery request for approval can not be handed in until this is taken care of.

May 20, 2010

so... I tried running .25 miles.  It was MUCH harder than it was yesterday.  I think I made it .20?  Stopped for a minute to let cars go by and then finished up.  I then walked a mile!  Actually a little more I think!
I can't believe how out of shape I have gotten in the last two years.   Used to walk three miles a day!  But I guess I started somewhere the last time and I will do this again.

Wow... this is all over the place...

This blog is going to get very long I think.. so I want to prepare you for that.... but I just need to get this out.
I think Drazil's post on depression has pushed me to write this (well, and boredom at work... that definitely plays a part as well.)
I know many of you are baffled by me feeling OK with my weight loss surgery being pushed off.  I think I was baffled by it at first as well.
But I think I am coming to terms with the knowledge that there is something else in my life that needs to be fixed along with my weight and that is this strange sadness that seems to have a hold on me right now.
This sadness is always with me.  It isn't the kind where I want to kill myself or lay in bed all day, but it is there.  It feels like a shadow or a balloon following me around. 
I just don't get extremely happy anymore.
It feels like that part of my brain has turned off. 
I know that I used to feel happiness. I loved my life.  I lived everyday to the fullest.
Then something thingS happened.
My husbands business went under.  We went from living a very comfortable life to losing almost everything.  I had to go back to work.  Our infertility became a reality.  I started gaining weight back.
I was in school full time.  We had no money... My car was repo'd... My mother in law passed away... My husband and I separated for a few months...
Everything at once...
I guess I had no time to feel happiness and started to feel even more like there wasn't any happiness.  Maybe I didn't deserve it?
This year things have started to get better financially.  In fact, in most aspects things are much better.
But I am still haunted by sad.
Am I depressed?  I don't know.  I still function on a daily basis.  I make decisions.... but I have no passion.
I was such a creative person before.  Painting, sewing, taking nothing and making it something.... 
I am scared of doing that now. 
I was never afraid to paint a room a color I loved.  I didn't care about what others thought... well, as an example, in the last few years I have painted everythign in my house beige or light yellow in case we needed to sell it. 
I have sold out. 
I need my mojo, my Je ne sais quoi, my lifeblood... however you want to say it...
In pleasing everyone else, I have lost me.

My husband recently bought our first house from the people who bought it from us.  It was in foreclosure (this is what my husband does for a job.)
So, I went over there... and these people had trashed my home.
There were remnants of things I had done... cool faux painting in the kitchen... my first attempt at a garden... and they had trashed it.  Torn down walls in this beautiful 120 year old farmhouse and left pipes and shit all over.  (When I say shit... I actually mean shit... i.e. poop...gag)
Anyway, seeing this served as a strange connection in my brain, because though I accomplished getting my degree, live in the suburbs in a "much better" house, and reblossoming from the deep pit we were in... in the midst of the work towards accomplishment, my life as I remember it has also has been trashed.
I have lost me.
I used to know what I wanted from life, but it all seems mixed up now. 
I am scared to ever trust that everything will be ok. 
When we lived in this house, I had surrendered to fate.  I let the universe guide me and was in a very good place with who I was and who I wanted to be.  I accepted my flaws and was working on changing the things I could.  I would walk for hours and hours with my son in a stroller and just think and talk to him about life.

Now, I am trying to find that person again, but I scared that she doesn't exist anymore.  I work in a job I truly despise because I may a decent wage and am able to work exactly the hours my son is in school.  But I am scared to quit because of what happened to our finances when my husband wasn't working.  I want to look for a new job, but I am terrified of a new beginning and all the unknowing that comes with it.
This is not me.  I used to thrive on new beginnings.

I wish I knew how to change this.  Maybe exercising?  Maybe just actually having time to enjoy life?  Maybe as I have less to do I will naturally become this person again? 
Maybe I need a vacation to just sort this shit out in my head...?
The problem is... life just isn't that simple.
I can't afford right now to take a vacation and I don't think one day off will fix my head.
I feel guilty taking a day off when my son is in school because since I only get a couple weeks vacation- that takes away from the time I can spend with him when he is off school.

I want to move to the country... stop trying to keep up with the Jones... and just experience life.

If you all knew me in real person- you would never guess... people constantly comment and wonder how I can "do everything"  and "get it all done?"  I have prided myself on being that person.  I do more than most all the people I know.  Work, volunteer, school, ... . It looks great on the outside.  You should see my resume!!!
Unfortunatly it's gross here on the inside.  Broken, unfixed... needing some major tending to.  Just like my old house!!!  It feels like a lot of work- just to get me back to basics.  If I can get back to basics- then there all still getting back the extras.

If youa're still with me and reading this... I guess reading all of your blogs and seeing that everyone else has issues too... while looking like we are holding it all together on the outside... it makes me feel better.
It allows me to write this... a rambling, crazy mess...
Now, a deep breath.......

May 19, 2010

--------> Update -------------->

As of 3pm today.... I did it!
 I ran .25 miles!!!
And I didn't die!
In fact, it was kinda easy.


I want to start running.
I want to buy cute runner's clothes and actually wear them in public.
I want to get high off endorphins.
But... I can't seem to get my A$$ off the couch... or out of bed - depending on which time of day I have told myself I will now run.
I have tried the couch to 5K program numerous times and I think the furthest I have made it was Week 4.
I have now developed my own plan where I will run .25 miles a couple times a week.  That's it.
This is an extremely reasonable distance...
I will do it until it's easy... then move to .50, etc.
It's a great plan.

May 14, 2010

My gardens...

One thing I am really, really enjoying about no longer being in college is the ability to finally get out and work in my gardens and not feel bad about it!
I decided to post some pics for you all today since the sun is finally out in MN, so a'gardenin I will be tonight and hopefully all weekend! Happy Friday!
Remember, I live in Minnesota so we have not really hit growing season- in fact they tell us not to plant until after May 15th when the last frost can happen!!! 
This whole thing will look completely different in just a few weeks!
My yard to the right- I hope to lay down mulch under the crap apple tree this weekend! 
My yard to the left... needs mucho work. Our yard is huge!  But it will be done someday.
Here is the middle of my yard.   
I really love how this is coming together!
I did something fun last weekend that I have never done before...
I threw three packets of sunflower seeds into my gardens and I am going to wait and see if any of them just happen to "take" and make pretty sunflowers for us to enjoy!!!
Wanna see my plan for this weekend? Its kinda sad right now!
I am going to plant all around this deck. 
One of our friends had a perrenial sale last weekend and I am going to go see what I can salvage from her leftovers. :) 
Have I mentioned I love gardening?
Have I mentioned that I love it even more when it doesn't cost any money?

BTW,S orry I keep reposting and editing all my blogs so much- I hope it doesn't do anything weird.  I am attempting to figure out how to make things look best.

BYOC Virgin no longer

It’s another Friday episode of BYOC where we answer just 5 questions (some funny, some serious) in order to learn more about our fellow bloggers whether they are old or new followers. Copy and paste to your blog if you want to play along!

1. If you could be a cartoon character – who would you be and why?  Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.  She embodies everything I would like to be for just one day. :)

2. Who was your teenage heart throb? I wouldn't say "teenage" so much, but I had a poster of Micheal Jackson (from the Thriller years) in my room when I was younger and would kiss it every night before I went to bed.  Once I was actually 13 I had moved on to real boys that I thought I stood a chance with...

3. Do you believe being overweight is about a mental obstacle or do you believe it’s simply about overeating/food?  Gosh, that is a really hard question to answer.  I think it could be both for me because diet pills have always worked really well for me and really fast (I just can't do them anymore- I worry about my heart a lot)  Diet pills trick my brain into not feeling hungry and then in turn I eat less and lose weight.  They also give me energy, which probably also makes me mope around less and in turn makes me happier and in turn makes me eat less and be more active.  For me, both the mental and the overeating are serious issues.

4. What’s your all-time favorite song?
I love Sweet Home Alabama.  Mostly because my son and I used to ride around in my VW Beetle and sing it together when he was a baby.  I smile every time I hear it.

5. Whose blog or comment spoke to you/stuck with you this week and why? This is our “you get to be famous for a moment” without having to follow all the rules of an official blog award question.
I think it had to be Joey at Volume Control when she wrote about questioning having kids.  I have a lot of emotion about this issue because I never wanted kids, got pregnant by accident and found that I loved being a mom... More than anything in the world.  I wanted a big family.  Then I found out my husband and I can't have any more children.  This has changed my life and had a tremendous amount to do with my depression and weight gain in the last four years.  Infertility changed my marriage and my personality as well as changing how I feel towards God/whatever is out there....  This is a post I will need to make another time.  I had told myself I wouldn't talk about it on this blog because this is for my weight loss... but Joey's post and my reaction to it has kinda made me see that my weight loss is going to have to involve coming to terms with this...

May 12, 2010

Liar yesterday. Thief today.

I am hungry.
Really hungry.
I went off my plan of liquids during the day and one meal at night that I am hoping to follow until I have surgery in June.
I cheated. 
I ate 4 slices of toast (light bread) with peanut butter and honey before I went to bed.  This was after having a Big Mac Snack Wrap with my son and then having more dinner than I probably should have.  Oh and I had two glasses of wine.
My son and I also went out to breakfast in the morning.
Here's the crazy thing...
I don't know how I feel about this "bad day."
On one hand I am frustrated at myself for screwing up.
On the other - for breakfast I had an egg white omelet with turkey, spinach, and tomato. (I did have a couple bites of my sons choc chip pancakes though!!!) I did not eat the toast AND I got fresh fruit instead of hash browns.
Then at McDonald's- I did not get a pop.  I also did not get fries.
I drank lots of water all day.
The two glasses of wine were a very dark red.  Not beer or a soda drink.
Dinner was this chicken, cheese, biscuit, and Cream of Chicken mixture that we love.  Probably NOT the healthiest choice, but I am also being nice to myself with dinners and not stressing about what I eat so much.
My badness was four pieces of light toast with organic peanut butter and HONEY?  That's not so BAD.

I know I didn't do what I wanted.
But I wonder if some of my food issues are getting better?
I am making healthier choices.  Even at my worst.

But now its today.
And whatever I did yesterday is effecting me today.  A LOT.
I am starving. 
I want carbs, pop, and things out of the vending machine.
I have already had a protein shake and apple sauce.  And a cheese stick.
And then... I ate tortilla chips.  Five big ones.
What the hell?
I was thinking- DON'T EAT THIS -------> YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET IT. 
And I did it anyway.
I feel mad at myself.
The willpower I felt I was developing seems weaning.

And you want to know the worst of it?
I am so guilty.
I probably shouldn't share this.
But its just a perfect example of where my brain is at...
I just STOLE  .....borrowed..... a 5.5oz can of V8 out of the refrigerator at my work.
Yes.  I did.
In my defense, the V8 has been there for weeks.
I haven't opened it. 
It is just sitting on my desk taunting me.

Clearly, I have a problem....
I'm going to go put it back... right now.

May 11, 2010

I lied....

Ok.  So I said I was going to share my weight story....
I think I am going to wait until I get my approval on my band surgery.  Then I will explain why and I think you will understand if you have been in the icky place of waiting for approval that I am in now.
But I did do something last night.
Something I didn't think I was ever going to do...
I told my sis in law about my surgery possibility.  It just kinda slipped out...
And... my sis in law didn't make a big deal of it.
I know she will tell my brother and it will be interesting to see what he has to say.
Heres the reason why this is a big deal...
My bro and his wife are "the beautiful people", the ones everyone knows exist, but seem to only appear on tv or movie sets.  For them it is real.
To give you an idea- this is exactly what my sis in law looks like (with no extensions and no make up though):

And I am not joking ... or exaggerating.  I haven't thought of a movie star that looks like my brother yet, but I will try.  These two are the people who don't have to worry about their weights and I know for my brother he never has.  We are around them all the time because we live only two blocks from them and it is a bittersweet relationship for me because I am a bad person.  I am envious and I have a hard time with comparing myself to them.  I strive to not be like this...  BUT I AM.         
I asked them not to tell my parents. 
I am not ready for that.
Hmmmm. I had something else to post, but I can't remember what it is right now.
So, I will just end with a silly pic of me and the Hubs from the other night. (Oh, he isn't being a dick anymore.  Our insurance thing is supposed to be fixed tomorrow.  And if you can't tell- I am not the easiest person to live with... sometimes I might overreact a teensy weensy barely noticeable little bit.) 
And he loves me anyway. 

May 10, 2010

Too bad, SOOOO sad.

*****Warning: if you are looking for a happy- go- lucky post.... this isn't it.****
I haven't posted anything because I have been trying to just deal.
I found out on Friday that my husband screwed something up on our insurance payment and the company is trying to figure it out.  In the meantime, it is showing that we have no insurance.
Yes, this is right in the middle of me trying to get f'ing approved!
I am so mad at my husband because he is being such a dick about this whole thing- when he is the one who screwed it up!!! ARRRGGGHHHH! This whole thing is so stressful as it is.
Then, in the midst of all of this- I got my graduation pictures back.
And I look like a BIG HUGE WHALE.
See the similarity? When I see these pictures I hear the noise... MWWWWWAAAAAAARRRRRR - like a big huge animal about to eat a little tiny helpless animal- that cant move because it is terrified.
I should be proud, but I am disgusted.

Heart broken. Isn't black supposed to be slimming?
     And, why do my feet look so friggin tiny?
           Granted that friggin hat is not helping...
Can I be honest with you?
I mean really, brutally honest?
When I look in the mirror I do not see this person.  I really don't!
    I see someone completely different!
 Then, also on Friday, the hubs took me out and a bunch of our friends were there to surprise me.  We had a few drinks, took a few pics... and the majority of them look like I am a GIANT next to all of my friends.
I couldn't find anything to wear that night... muffin top was on full effect. 
How can Size 20 be so HUGE on me that I cant wear them because they are falling down and then size 18 be so tight that it causes a huge sausage around my middle?

I have been starving myself for one week.  Making good choices even when doing things like going out.  Yesterday I ate shrimp and calamari with veggies - grilled-  at a Mongolian Barbeque.  It was disgusting, but I was trying for lean protein.  It was Mother's Day and the fam wanted to go out.  I woke up and weighed myself this morning- and I am right back to 239.2.  WTF?  One week of starving- and one meal (and admittedly a few drinks on Friday night) and everything goes right back in the shitter?  I had to have consumed at the very least 5000 calories less last week than I do any other week and not a pound lost?
Not only that, but I did MAJOR yard work yesterday.  Digging and carrying and planting and cutting - from 7am until 1:30pm.  I didn't stop moving once.
Why?  Why is it like this? Why can't I make this work without having a surgery?
I am really and truly making MAJOR life changes.  And I am not expecting miracles.  REALLY, I'm not. 
But a small change would be really, really nice.  Not to mention, encouraging.  And to keep doing this eating plan, I need encouragement.  At work, I can walk across the street to a Burger King, a McDonalds, AND a Subway and I don't know if I can continue to have the willpower for another month when I MIGHT be able to have surgery on June 17th, assuming this insurance thing ever gets fixed.
                   I just want to cry. 

                      Like a baby.

         Why can't everything be easy?

  I have more to post later (throughout the day).  I have decided to tell you guys my story about my weight.  Complete with pictures (if I can find them).

May 6, 2010

All this thoughtfulness. Is it symptom of starvation?

I told myself I wouldn't do it... And I did it anywayAnd now I regret it.
I weighed myself this morning- in jeans and clothes and it showed 239.7.
This was after yesterday afternoon when it said 236.5 - in CLOTHES!!!
I was happy with that and even knowing better- I hopped on the scale this morning and now I am disappointed.

I KNEW I shouldnt do it!!!  I KNEW I havent gone #2 in two days.  I knew I had clothes on... I knew it wouldnt be good.  And yet, I did it anyway. 
Hmmm. I see a pattern here.
Yesterday, I ate 1300 calories.  None of it was bad stuff - protien shakes, egg whites and veggies and CHEESE ( but I was out to eat with a friend and there was nothing else that fit the perameters)  but then I went home and had two stuffed green peppers. (Literally green peppers stuffed with turkey meat and onions and peppers.)  I have not had any real carbs in three days.
I knew I ate too much yesterday, but I was kinda ok with it cause I am pretty sure if I haven't heard from the insurance company by now, that I will not be getting the surgery on Thursday. 
Instead, I have a month to try and learn how to live in these "rules" of the band.  And, thats ok.  
My son and husband both said something to me last night about this diet thing I am on.  My son said it first-
"Mom, if you can do this for two weeks, why cant you just keep doing it and then you dont have to have the surgery?"
I don't know.
Does anyone else know?  This is something I would like an answer to.
Why can I do this to try and get a surgery but I cant do it to take care of my body and my mind?
That thought makes me sad. 
Though, maybe its just that I haven't eaten bread or noodles in three days.

May 4, 2010

Tired of talking about weight... somethin else to complain about.

SO... everyone keeps asking me if I am super excited to graduate from college.
And, I keep saying it doesnt seem real yet.
And I think I finally figured out why.

Because since I have been working on SCHOOL...
this is what has been happening to MY HOUSE.
Granted, its my laundry room/ mudroom, but if I show you the rest of my house... I am sure someone will call Hoarders and I really can't deal with that right now....
Maybe if I could move my legs without wincing I could actually tackle this room...

Is this normal? Or, am I a wimp?

I am actually getting ready to post pictures... but I need to ask this.
Did your legs ache...  kill on this diet thingy before surgery?
I have a headache, which I know is from caffeine, sugar, fun withdrawl...
But, this... this pain in my legs is unbearable.  I know I am getting enough water- my awesome new water bottle is definitely helping with that... so I know it isnt dehydration.
I weighed myself and I am down from 243.whatever (with no clothes on) on Sunday to 237 (with clothes on) this afternoon.  That is six pounds in a day and a half.  Is that normal too?
I want to walk tomorrow and maybe even go to the club, but if my legs feel like this... I dont know.

Take me out to the ballgame... I cant have peanuts or cracker jacks...

Hello everyone!  It is a beautiful day in Minnesota and I am so excited because my son's first baseball game of the season is tonight.  I love watching him play. His team won the championship last year, so it should be another fun year.  Hopefully I can remember to take some pictures!
I also have a job interview tonight!  It is a position I am very unsure of, but has more to do with what I am going to school for than what I do now and will also get me off the computer and around people again.  So Im excited to see what comes of it.
So... I am doing this diet from my dr... and I am realizing it is not a liquid diet like some of you have done.  It is just a starvation diet.  Like 800 calories type of starvation.  This is the plan - protien shake for breakfast, sugarfree applesauce for snack, protien shake for lunch, jello for snack, and protien shake for dinner.  The lady that gave it to me said I could have a Lean Cuisine for dinner instead, so yesterday I made turkey stuffed green peppers- the stuffing is only turkey meat, spices, peppers and onions sliced up.  I think they are less than 150 cals per pepper and have to be more healthy than a Lean Cuisine.  Plus, I love the taste, so I am trying to just look forward to that tonight. It hasn't been too bad, tho its been one day and I did cheat with an ARTICHOKE last night already. :) Tho, I cant imagine an artichoke is cheating... Right?
I miss coffee!  I have headaches.
I bought myself the cooolest water bottle from Caribou Coffee to make up for no treats.
And I really, really like it.  Isnt it cool?
I have been drinking water all day and I look really nice doing it. ;)

Which reminds me... I need to put up some pictures of me. 
And my son (ITSY), and the Hubs. 
And my three cats and two dogs... Milo, Gracie, Fancy, Fleurry, and Fletcher.

One more thing for today... I have decided to spend all of the time I am going to have with not going to school on doing one thing a week to make myself a better person.  This morning I did my thing for this week.  I bought face cream.  Yeah.  I know I won't win any humanitarian awards for this, but I also know that I will be 33 in almost one month. I have not taken good care of my skin and I want to try and make this a habit.
Plus, I need to take my mind off of food. Maybe if I keep slathering myself it will make me feel better?
I bought Garnier Skin Renew Anti Sun Damage and Skin Renew Radiance Moisture Cream.

Ill let you know if I see a difference. :)

I hope you all have a beautiful, gorgeous, and sunny day!

May 2, 2010

Defining moment?

Thanks for all of your responses to the question about gastric vs banding.  I think if gastric had been my only choice I never would have pursued it.  And to be honest, without seeing all of your blogs, I do not know if I would be as comfortable with banding as I am.
That being said, I have decided to start my liquid diet tomorrow.  Even with not knowing if I can have the surgery in May or June. 
My decision in this has not come easily.  I weighed in at 240 at the dr on Thursday.  I need to be at 231.  Even with knowing this- I just weighed myself now and I am at 243.5.  Granted, I know that I will weigh more at night after standing and eating all day, but seriously?  How can I know that I have this on the line and STILL not make a change? 
I am ashamed and disgusted with myself and I know that saying things like, "granted... I know I weigh more at night" have gotten me to where I am.  I so easily say things like, "Im eating this because I am a student and a mom and I am busy..."  or " I deserve a treat."  or " That skinny girl is eating this so I should be able to too."  I even told my husband today that I am sure I will lose weight because I will have so much less stress once I am done with my final tomorrow.  See, I know this is rational and true for some, but I also know that I will be celebrating my graduation and that will be another reason for me to eat...  And I finally am at a point where I am asking myself, "HOW BAD ARE YOU GOING TO LET IT GET?"
I have headaches constantly, I won't go meet any of the people my husband works with because I am embarrassed to be his "fat" wife.  I don't want to see any of my old friends because I am ashamed of how much weight I have gained since they last saw me...  I have headaches all the time and cant move my body the way I used to.  I get tired just throwing a football with my son.  Honestly, "HOW BAD ARE YOU GOING TO LET IT GET?" 
I need to make a change.  I need to know I can control some part of my life.  I need to feel SOMETHING.
I think the worst part of where I am at is that I am numb.  I think the only feeling I truly feel is sadness.  Maybe also a little disappointment.
I have a huge accomplishment coming up this week.  I GRADUATE from college.  Fifteen years after I graduated from highschool.  I should be thrilled.  I accomplished this while holding down a job, a family, and a large amount of volunteer work... I cried, fought, and missed special events in my son's life to get to this point... (Geez... Im starting to tear up... )
I should be SO PROUD.  But do you know what I thought today?
"I cant wait to see my son see me walk across the stage? .... NO!
"I cant wait to see the opportunity this accomplishment brings me?" .... NO!
or even... "Good for me!" .... NO!
I thought...
"I don't want to have my picture taken in four days."

And that makes me sad.
Hopefully, sad enough that I have had a defining moment... a breakthrough...and I am going to change direction in my life.

May 1, 2010

Hey guys! Thanks so much for all of your posts before - I will get back to you soon, but our family decided to run up to the cabin for the weekend so the Hubs and Itsy can have fun while I finish studying and writing a paper.  Unfortunatly, upon arrival, I found out the internet at the cabin is barely working.
Here is something I learned today:
3D Crayola art thingy for my son- $15.00, skim chai and old fashioned coke - $10.00, finding a place that my son can color, serves dirty chais, and has WIFI in the middle of NOWHERE- priceless... :)
Happy weekend!
I have three days left- THREE! And then I will be a college graduate... YEAH ME!!!

April 30, 2010

Surgery options...

I a m wondering if any of you who have had the surgery have ever had someone try to persuade you to do the gastric bypass instead?  I get a strong feeling from my drs office that that is how they feel.
I have also been watching videos on the internet and see alot of people who wish they would have done gastric bypass instead because of how slow the band works...
Do any of you feel this way?

April 29, 2010

Is that really me?

Haha- I made a Vlog.  Its gross and will be destroyed... I think.  If I grow some balls I might post it.... :)  I did it on my phone and the sound and mouth dont match up.  In addition- I have my study hair on... which involves pigtails and a randomly placed bobbypin.
I also cannot believe how tired I look.  Exhausted is probably a better word for it.  BAGS... under my eyes.
Amazing how getting to see yourself the way others see you is an eye opener.  I keep trying to figure out why I am so tired and constantly craving caffeine.  I am beating myself up for it and then I see this video.
I AM like this BECAUSE I AM TIRED... EXTREMELY tired.  I am working my ass off ( though, clearly not literally based on my weight gain... bahrumpum-ting) and my body is suffereing. HELLO!  I should feel like crap.  What in this world has made me think I shouldn't?
Thanks again guys! <3


So- I had my preop meeting today.
And that should be GOOD news, right?

But its not.

Because I have gained 8 lbs since my first meeting with the bariatric center!

And the worst part about it... I don't know how.  They want me to start a two week liquid diet as of Monday (my dr doesnt require one usually) and I am more than willing to do that, but here's the problem... I dont know if I am actually having surgery in two weeks!  I don't want to suffer through that just to find out I am having surgery June 17th.
So, here is what I am thinking.  I am done with school next week.  Everything needs to be handed in on Monday.  I actually graduate on Friday.  My life will be so much calmer in one week. 

Maybe I should just call the bariatric center and tell them I would rather do the surgery in June?  That would give me over a month to lose the 9 lbs, which I know I can easily do if I just move my butt a lot a little and stop drinking pop and mixed coffee drinks to try and stay awake.
It sucks, but I wonder if it would help with my stress.

Ugh, I dont know what to do...

April 28, 2010

Everything is handed in...

Just spoke to the lady at the hospital- I have everything handed in so she is scheduling me for surgery on May 13th, but it is TENTATIVE.  So I am still in limbo... maybe even more.
The insurance company has 4-8 weeks to get back to them on an approval.  The next time I can have my surgery done is June 17th, which seems so far away... but I am actually ok with that.
I had wanted the surgery as early as possible in the summer for a family reunion I am going to at the end of July- as well as numerous events to attend with high school friends etc.  But, I have reached an Epiphany.  It is ok if it is not until June because I have time to work on making some life changes that I have yet to perfect.  This is a lifetime journey and if there is anything reading all of these blogs have told me, it is that you have to do the work alongside the band.  The majority of people I see struggling on here have not made life changes- they are still stuck on even the littlest life choices.  I need to work on some of these myself - specifically Frappe's from McDonalds. :)  These little babies taste like the nectar of the GODs, but have 450 calories in 12 oz.  CRAZY!!!
I also really need to work on my exercise.  Namely, I have done NONE.  I am in my last week of finals and all I do is sit and look at the computer.  I even brought the laptop to Itsy's baseball practice last night to do last minute changes to a paper.  But, school is almost done, so yeah!
I might need help daydreaming of some things to do once I dont have school and homework taking up every second of the day.  I am definitely going to need a hobby!
Thanks to all of the people,  the hundreds  the six of you following me now- you give me hope... and also some help to know there are others out there like me.  I feel very alone in this waiting period - mainly because I don't want to tell anyone and then get denied.  So truly... thx. :)

April 26, 2010

Paying the Psych today- for realz

Yeah!  Just got off the phone with my hubs.  I am back in love with him cause he told me to go ahead and pay the psychologist off who is holding my psych analysis approval hostage until I pay him $450!!! I hate this psychologist, but thats a story for another time because I am so happy!  This is it.  This is the end of the road.  I will soon know if I am approved or not.

April 25, 2010

I WANT a BAND!!! puh...lease. puh, puh, puh please.

I am getting more and more frustrated with myself.  I have been attempting to watch what I eat- and in general making good choices.  I have been walking - granted it isn't miles at a time, but still... - I am doing it when I used to do nothing!  I weighed myself this morning and I have lost .7 lbs.  .7LBS!!!  WTF?
I need to know if I will be approved for surgery.  If I am - the date should be May 13th.  I want to know this week.  Not knowing is making me crazy... combined with my college graduation ... AND the end of college, this is too much for my little heart to handle.
On another note- I have decided not to hide the surgery... I am not "telling" people so to say, but I was telling someone about something funny on a test I had to take for my psych analysis and she asked why I had to do that.  I basically told her "I am looking at having a surgery this summer."  She is a nurse and said - oh, no need to say anything else.  I wonder if that means she didn't want to get too personal OR if she knew it was part of weight loss surgery application?
Also- my hubs and I had a big fight today.  It makes me sad.  I am looking for some sort of approval from him on how I look and he doesn't know what to say.  I hope I can get the surgery so I can just feel normal again... even average.  I am tired of looking at other people and always asking myself- "Is she bigger (or smaller) than me?"  If there is anything I miss about being thinner, it is not constantly thinking about my weight.
Hrumpfh... and its Sunday.  I dislike Sunday nights.  It means Monday is right around the corner. :(  Ah well.  One day closer to graduation I guess.

April 24, 2010

Goalie MOM

Have I mentioned my son is a goalie?
I will be at a hockey tournament this weekend for his AAA summer team!  I LOVE watching him play. 
During the regular season I am his coach and I love coaching too.  I actually used to play goalie in high school and college, so it is a special thing we share.  It is so hard sitting in the stands like a regular mom during the summer though.
Still working on homework- two papers to go, one revision, and a 20 page journal.

April 22, 2010

Realizing something...

I know I haven't mentioned it, but I am graduating from college in a couple weeks and it freaks me out.  Really freaks me out.  I am afraid.  I don't even know why.
I have been accepted into a Master's program for fall, so I am not even done with school, so it is something more.
I think I am used to being the loser.  I am used to not achieving things and being a let down to myself and those around me.  I have two weeks left and feel like I could fail.  Fifteen years of college to get a four year degree- and TWO weeks is feeling impossible.
So- what is wrong with me?  I am guessing that whatever this defeatist thing is- its probably got ALOT to do with my weight too. 
I am about as stressed as I have ever been- I have one big paper and one big project to finish- with a bunch of little projects to finish as well.  I can't get off the computer to save my life.  My eyes burn and I feel like an antisocial freak.  BUT, I have TWO weeks left. 
I wonder  if,  I mean when I graduate if a switch will turn in my brain?  Will I suddenly not be ok with being the black sheep in the family?  Will I think I am worth achieving more? 
Wow- I get one follower - and now I am so reflective. :)

April 18, 2010

Looks like we will be paying the bill for my psych analysis tomorrow or Tuesday!!! Yeah!  Once that is done- it should be a week to get the evaluation handed in and then I should find out if I am approved or not.  I have been really nervous about some strange things- like the idea of a plastic peice being placed in my insides and then it rotting away or causing an allergic reaction or something... I finally have put that issue to rest , asI realize that people have plastic put inside their bodies all the time for things like joint replacements and even heart surgery... I feel so much better looking at it that way.
Keeping my fingers crossed... wishing and hoping... hoping and praying
Here is to getting my life back!!!

April 2, 2010

still waiting

I am still waiting to find out if I will be approved by insurance... I am following many of your blogs, but until I know if I am ok'd or not I am not allowing myself to get excited or dream about what could be... :)  Hope to join the group with fun and happy things to say soon...

March 10, 2010

Just blah-ging....

I can not figure out what is going on with me! I am just so blah right now. I cannot find the energy to do anything- I just want to sleep.
I had my sleep analysis last night and the guy said I didnt have one apnea moment. Im not suprised as I knew I didn't have the right symptoms, but I was kinda hoping it would answer for me why all of this is going on. The weight gain, the tiredness, everything.... My husband keeps saying its depression, but I don't like that answer. I mean, I dont have anything to be depressed about.
I cannot get an answer from the insurance company which is driving me crazy. I feel like I am chasing and chasing and chasing this thing that may not happen. I didn't used to care so much but now I have invested so much time and energy, And also hopes... What will I do if I cant qualify? Just keep getting bigger and giving up on life?
Just give me an answer!

March 2, 2010

Well, I haven't been on here because I went to meet with my surgeon and he said he highly doubted I would be ok'd for surgery. My regular dr ended up writing me a letter and now the woman in charge of insurance writing thinks that I will be ok. So who knows? I have no idea what to think. She is waiting on my psych eval. I will be so sad if I have put all of this time, and not to mention, MONEY - into this and it won't work. But I guess I will take it as a sign. If I am not ok'd for this- I will begin something else. At least I am pursueing some health concerns that have been bothering me for awhile. This also has put into perspective for me just how unhappy I am. I think this waiting, combined with way too much stress is causing me to even be unhappier.
I meet with the psychologist again on Friday soI am guessing I should know by next week- and if Im approved- be prepared for some blogging maddness to begin!!! :)

February 9, 2010

Didn't want to mention this...

Haven't posted in a few days- I have had some sad ( though only sad for me) personal things to deal with. Without going into too much detail- my husband and I have been struggling with infertility for SEVEN years. It has never gotten easier or less painful and feels like a nonstop mourning process. Ive lost friends (due to my own inability to deal) and missed out on many events, but it is so painful to go to them that it throws me into a very deep depression. So, I just found out someone close to me is pregnant with their second child after trying for a week. Yes, a week. It hurts and makes me feel evil that it does hurt. So, that's where I have been...
Anyways- on a good note! I am now one week clear of all carbonated beverages. Yup! I did it!!! Yeah!!! I will keep this up for another week and then I meet with my phone nutritionist for the first time on Monday the 15th. I keep noticing myself saying, "after the surgery.. " when making plans- ironic considering I am not approved, and also have so far to go. Feeling positive about things is new to me- so maybe that's a sign...
I'm trying to decide if I should post pictures or not. I have decided to keep this surgery to myself... definitely not something I will talk about on Facebook! I accidentally dropped that I was thinking about doing it at my parents house over Christmas and they freaked! Its funny how they think I am huge 90% of the time, but then comment that I am not big enough to need surgery.
I on the other hand was given a camera for an early Valentines Day present from my husband- and used to enjoy having my picture taken. I mean I liked it enough that I would sit in my office at work and take pictures of myself for fun- just to see how my face looked. Well, I tried to take a picture of myself and kinda wanted to throw up. My face is so fat and so round. Its gross. I disgust myself. Did anyone else out there- echo ECHo echo.... feel even more disgusting than usual while pursuing or waiting for their surgery?
Hopefully that will soon change though. :)

February 5, 2010

On a good note...

I am on day 3!!! of no carbonated beverages- yup! I was going insane all day yesterday and the day before, then this morning I woke up insanely CRAVing ginger ale mixed with cherry flavoring!!! When I say craving- I mean I COULD NOT stop thinking about it- no matter what I did.
Weirdly enough I have been ok at work, but I had a piece of pizza for lunch and almost habitually walked over to the pop machine while eating it!!! I didn't, but I can't believe how en grained it is in me.
Ive been drinking a lot of water though! So that's good.
I wonder if I could actually do this with pasta? That would seriously be insane as that is my favorite food on earth. And its a true go to... I make it when there is time, when there is NO time, when we need a snack, etc...
Wondering what I could replace it with...


Im really worried I am not going to get approved for surgery. I qualify with my weight and I am in the process of getting checked for sleep apnea, but I am missing the two year history. My husband hasnt had a job in the last two years and I didn't really use the dr with the insurance I had because I was afraid of getting extra bills from it. In turn, I also have not had the money to do any diet programs that cost money. I have tried all the regular stuff on my own- not drinking pop, not eating certain foods( liek being a vegetarian, only eating protien... etc) I have tried Slim Fast, Special K protien water, exercising- many things... just no record of them. I hope my insurance co does not look at this and think I have not tried!!!
It is so fun to look at all of the girls on here and the success they are having with the band! I hope that is me too. It makes me wonder what happens to the people who have complications though. Are there just not truly that many complications? Are they just not bloggers? Or, worst case scenario- do they die? I mean - seriously?

February 3, 2010

New beginnings of new beginnings...

Have many things in the oven right now. finally have looked into adoption! The first meeting we can attend isn't until March, but it ironically falls on a Wednesday during spring break, so I don't have to miss class! That must mean something right?
I also had my first appointment with the dietitian at the bariatric center yesterday! I had no idea that when I went in there I would be weighed in and it would be the weight they used to qualify me for surgery! Luckily I wore heavy clothes and threw a sweater on at the last minute cause I barely squeaked into qualifying! Now I just have to hope that they accept my doctors appts weight s from 5 years ago. The lady at the insurance co helper seems to think it is worth a try, so it looks like I am in full speed mode to get the band too.
The dietician said I should start eating like I am on the band. I think since I have a couple months, I am going to try and grasp one thing at a time. Right now, that means getting rid of carbonated beverages! This is going to be harder than me than any food as I am addicted to pop like drug addict! I use caffeine as a crutch all the time!!! I will need to plan ahead, but I also going to tell myself to not worry so much about the money I spend on coffee drinks for a little while... I wish it wasn't the case, but I honestly need caffeine right now to get by.... :( Working full time, going to school full time, being a mom, etc... its just too much sometimes.