April 30, 2010

Surgery options...

I a m wondering if any of you who have had the surgery have ever had someone try to persuade you to do the gastric bypass instead?  I get a strong feeling from my drs office that that is how they feel.
I have also been watching videos on the internet and see alot of people who wish they would have done gastric bypass instead because of how slow the band works...
Do any of you feel this way?

April 29, 2010

Is that really me?

Haha- I made a Vlog.  Its gross and will be destroyed... I think.  If I grow some balls I might post it.... :)  I did it on my phone and the sound and mouth dont match up.  In addition- I have my study hair on... which involves pigtails and a randomly placed bobbypin.
I also cannot believe how tired I look.  Exhausted is probably a better word for it.  BAGS... under my eyes.
Amazing how getting to see yourself the way others see you is an eye opener.  I keep trying to figure out why I am so tired and constantly craving caffeine.  I am beating myself up for it and then I see this video.
I AM like this BECAUSE I AM TIRED... EXTREMELY tired.  I am working my ass off ( though, clearly not literally based on my weight gain... bahrumpum-ting) and my body is suffereing. HELLO!  I should feel like crap.  What in this world has made me think I shouldn't?
Thanks again guys! <3


So- I had my preop meeting today.
And that should be GOOD news, right?

But its not.

Because I have gained 8 lbs since my first meeting with the bariatric center!

And the worst part about it... I don't know how.  They want me to start a two week liquid diet as of Monday (my dr doesnt require one usually) and I am more than willing to do that, but here's the problem... I dont know if I am actually having surgery in two weeks!  I don't want to suffer through that just to find out I am having surgery June 17th.
So, here is what I am thinking.  I am done with school next week.  Everything needs to be handed in on Monday.  I actually graduate on Friday.  My life will be so much calmer in one week. 

Maybe I should just call the bariatric center and tell them I would rather do the surgery in June?  That would give me over a month to lose the 9 lbs, which I know I can easily do if I just move my butt a lot a little and stop drinking pop and mixed coffee drinks to try and stay awake.
It sucks, but I wonder if it would help with my stress.

Ugh, I dont know what to do...

April 28, 2010

Everything is handed in...

Just spoke to the lady at the hospital- I have everything handed in so she is scheduling me for surgery on May 13th, but it is TENTATIVE.  So I am still in limbo... maybe even more.
The insurance company has 4-8 weeks to get back to them on an approval.  The next time I can have my surgery done is June 17th, which seems so far away... but I am actually ok with that.
I had wanted the surgery as early as possible in the summer for a family reunion I am going to at the end of July- as well as numerous events to attend with high school friends etc.  But, I have reached an Epiphany.  It is ok if it is not until June because I have time to work on making some life changes that I have yet to perfect.  This is a lifetime journey and if there is anything reading all of these blogs have told me, it is that you have to do the work alongside the band.  The majority of people I see struggling on here have not made life changes- they are still stuck on even the littlest life choices.  I need to work on some of these myself - specifically Frappe's from McDonalds. :)  These little babies taste like the nectar of the GODs, but have 450 calories in 12 oz.  CRAZY!!!
I also really need to work on my exercise.  Namely, I have done NONE.  I am in my last week of finals and all I do is sit and look at the computer.  I even brought the laptop to Itsy's baseball practice last night to do last minute changes to a paper.  But, school is almost done, so yeah!
I might need help daydreaming of some things to do once I dont have school and homework taking up every second of the day.  I am definitely going to need a hobby!
Thanks to all of the people,  the hundreds  the six of you following me now- you give me hope... and also some help to know there are others out there like me.  I feel very alone in this waiting period - mainly because I don't want to tell anyone and then get denied.  So truly... thx. :)

April 26, 2010

Paying the Psych today- for realz

Yeah!  Just got off the phone with my hubs.  I am back in love with him cause he told me to go ahead and pay the psychologist off who is holding my psych analysis approval hostage until I pay him $450!!! I hate this psychologist, but thats a story for another time because I am so happy!  This is it.  This is the end of the road.  I will soon know if I am approved or not.

April 25, 2010

I WANT a BAND!!! puh...lease. puh, puh, puh please.

I am getting more and more frustrated with myself.  I have been attempting to watch what I eat- and in general making good choices.  I have been walking - granted it isn't miles at a time, but still... - I am doing it when I used to do nothing!  I weighed myself this morning and I have lost .7 lbs.  .7LBS!!!  WTF?
I need to know if I will be approved for surgery.  If I am - the date should be May 13th.  I want to know this week.  Not knowing is making me crazy... combined with my college graduation ... AND the end of college, this is too much for my little heart to handle.
On another note- I have decided not to hide the surgery... I am not "telling" people so to say, but I was telling someone about something funny on a test I had to take for my psych analysis and she asked why I had to do that.  I basically told her "I am looking at having a surgery this summer."  She is a nurse and said - oh, no need to say anything else.  I wonder if that means she didn't want to get too personal OR if she knew it was part of weight loss surgery application?
Also- my hubs and I had a big fight today.  It makes me sad.  I am looking for some sort of approval from him on how I look and he doesn't know what to say.  I hope I can get the surgery so I can just feel normal again... even average.  I am tired of looking at other people and always asking myself- "Is she bigger (or smaller) than me?"  If there is anything I miss about being thinner, it is not constantly thinking about my weight.
Hrumpfh... and its Sunday.  I dislike Sunday nights.  It means Monday is right around the corner. :(  Ah well.  One day closer to graduation I guess.

April 24, 2010

Goalie MOM

Have I mentioned my son is a goalie?
I will be at a hockey tournament this weekend for his AAA summer team!  I LOVE watching him play. 
During the regular season I am his coach and I love coaching too.  I actually used to play goalie in high school and college, so it is a special thing we share.  It is so hard sitting in the stands like a regular mom during the summer though.
Still working on homework- two papers to go, one revision, and a 20 page journal.

April 22, 2010

Realizing something...

I know I haven't mentioned it, but I am graduating from college in a couple weeks and it freaks me out.  Really freaks me out.  I am afraid.  I don't even know why.
I have been accepted into a Master's program for fall, so I am not even done with school, so it is something more.
I think I am used to being the loser.  I am used to not achieving things and being a let down to myself and those around me.  I have two weeks left and feel like I could fail.  Fifteen years of college to get a four year degree- and TWO weeks is feeling impossible.
So- what is wrong with me?  I am guessing that whatever this defeatist thing is- its probably got ALOT to do with my weight too. 
I am about as stressed as I have ever been- I have one big paper and one big project to finish- with a bunch of little projects to finish as well.  I can't get off the computer to save my life.  My eyes burn and I feel like an antisocial freak.  BUT, I have TWO weeks left. 
I wonder  if,  I mean when I graduate if a switch will turn in my brain?  Will I suddenly not be ok with being the black sheep in the family?  Will I think I am worth achieving more? 
Wow- I get one follower - and now I am so reflective. :)

April 18, 2010

Looks like we will be paying the bill for my psych analysis tomorrow or Tuesday!!! Yeah!  Once that is done- it should be a week to get the evaluation handed in and then I should find out if I am approved or not.  I have been really nervous about some strange things- like the idea of a plastic peice being placed in my insides and then it rotting away or causing an allergic reaction or something... I finally have put that issue to rest , asI realize that people have plastic put inside their bodies all the time for things like joint replacements and even heart surgery... I feel so much better looking at it that way.
Keeping my fingers crossed... wishing and hoping... hoping and praying
Here is to getting my life back!!!

April 2, 2010

still waiting

I am still waiting to find out if I will be approved by insurance... I am following many of your blogs, but until I know if I am ok'd or not I am not allowing myself to get excited or dream about what could be... :)  Hope to join the group with fun and happy things to say soon...