July 20, 2010

Who is to blame?

I am confused, sad, and feel sick to my stomach.  That is the only way to describe it.
There was a terrible accident in my community over the weekend that involved the death of an 11 year old boy. 
The family was involved in our community and I knew the dad from coaching hockey.  Like my son, the little boy who violently passed played hockey and baseball.  My son and him also attended the same private Catholic school and the mom and I had become friends through Facebook over the last two years as we both attended college and tried to find balance.
The cause of death?  A drunk driver.
A 27 year old drunk driver whose last Facebook postings had all involved wanting and needing a "smoke."  A 27 year old woman with mental issues ( I have heard schizophrenia), living in publicly funded housing, who had decided not to take her drugs anymore because they were "messing with her."
This horrible tragedy follows the murder in a car wash of a complete stranger in a city near ours by a 27 year old man who was schizophrenic and had recently been released from a mental hospital.
A couple years back - less than a mile from our house a boy killed his stepmother with an ax in their backyard- only hours after the parents had attempted to check him into a hospital for schizophrenic behavior, but because he was 18, he was released.
Does anyone else see a really f'd up pattern here?
I know that our state pays a lot of money to "take care of their own" with things like Medical Assistance and Public housing, etc.  But what about these people?  They are clearly dangerous.  Why is nothing being done about them? 
Clearly they are hurting others, innocent people- some of whom had even tried to help them.
Can you blame someone who kills because they are mentally sick? 
I have sat for two days hating this girl who killed an innocent boy not much different than my own.  I hate her for drinking and driving and for making my sons friends cry and learn a lesson that 10 year old should not have to learn yet. 
I have heard she is on a suicide watch and I want to be the person watching her- to make sure she doesn't kill herself.  I want her to be alive.  I want her to live a long and healthy life where she is haunted hourly by what she did.
But then, I realize that my hate is doing nothing.  It is making me angry at someone who clearly felt no need to live before this even happened.  Clearly no one cared or supported her, or they would have seen the things happening and stopped them or at least gotten help.  Or maybe they did and no one would help them.  I don't know, I can only hope.
One thing I do know is I am the opposite of her.  I have a strong and loving community around me and seeing this outpouring of love from the families involved in the sports this little boy played shows me that no matter what happens, my family will not be alone.  I will have help if I ever need it and so will my son and husband.  We are blessed.
To all of you- please PLEASE hug your children very tightly tonight and tell them you love them over and over again.  If they want to play a board game- please do.  If they want to tell you a story about their day, please listen with intent.  I know I have been.
This accident has hit way too close to my heart and home.  I am searching for a reason in a world that will not give me one.  I am scared that no matter how much I protect my child... there is no rhyme or reason for what happens. 
I am confused, sad, and feel sick.

July 16, 2010


I thought I would just go ahead and post this as a new blog since it seemed to be the number one questions I was asked.
It is NOT okay with me that my hubs quit his job.  Not at all.  Not a single teensy tiny bit okay.
I am furious.  Mainly because this is not our first time going through this.  A year and a half ago we seperated because of this exact same reason.  I am hurt.  I am dissapointed.  And I feel like my son's and my needs dont matter.
That being said...
My husband is in all other ways a great guy.
He is a fantastic father who supports me fully in all things I choose to do.  When I see how my friends husbands treat them, talk to them, etc, I am often shocked because my husband would never treat me like that. 
He has loved and adored me at my thinnest and my largest.  Sometimes I think he doesn't even notice what I look like.  What I can say is that the best way I can explain how he treats me, is that he adores me.  Not in a creepy stalker way, but in a way that makes me feel special- when I let it.
I did not grow up feeling unconditional love from my family.  My husband did.  He loves me like this.  I don't know how to love him this same way, and yet he understands and accepts that about me.
By no means does this make what he has done okay.  It does not change the fact that he is very irresponsible with money and planning for the future.
Looking back, when we got married I was the same way.  I have changed- he hasn't.  He is the same guy I married ten years ago and I didn't have a problem with it then.
So, basically I am stuck with the issue of leaving him and being forced to be in charge completely (which I am now going to have to  be anyway) or staying together in a very secure family for our son.  I know my son will be picked up and taken places by his dad, which makes me sad because it isn't me.  I will have to be the one working and pushing ahead in a career that I don't love.  My hubs will get to enjoy being a stay at home parent- which is all I want to be in the world.  I will at least again be able to sleep at night (once I find a new job with benefits, etc) because I will only have to depend on me.
So, thats where the big decisions come in that I talked about in my last post.
I know that I am the one who controls how happy I am.  I can choose to hate my husband or accept him.  I just don't know what the right answer is.

July 15, 2010

An announcement to make

Nope, I haven't decided about the surgery.  There is actually more at play in that decision now since my hubs decided to quit his job without telling me and leave us with no insurance... Remember the whole time I thought there was something just mixed up- oh no, it was just cancelled. 
If you cant tell I am kinda pissed about it.
But, I digress...
I weighed myself this morning and the scale said 229.5.  I have lost almost 15 pounds since the day I freaked out at 243.5!
I am very excited about this, but can't figure out where I have lost it from because things dont seem to be fitting me any different.  Maybe I was just carrying the 15 lbs around in my cheeks and chin?
So thats all I wanted to say.  I haven't dropped off the edge of the Earth, but I do have some huge decisions to make... so I may appear here from time to time to purge my mind before I suffocate. 
Is that ok if this isn't only about weight loss?  I guess its my blog and what I say goes.  I just love hearing about all of you girls successes and then I come on here and its... head in the toilet time- just trying to get it all out.

June 24, 2010

Hello everyone out there in Blog land

Hi everyone!
I know I have been gone for forever and that has been a concious decision on my part.
I am still reading all of your blogs and updates, but have hit a point where I am not sure if the band is right for me?  I worry alot about the actual surgery and also about upkeep of things like fills, etc. 
I am looking at things in my life closely- and analyzing many of the things I read in your blogs; both good and bad, about the band.
I had hit a point in my life where I felt this decision needed to be rushed, but have now hit a point where I feel like I need to take some time to think about whether it is right for me.  
So, thats where I am. :)

June 1, 2010

I have a question for you....

Do any of you feel like your persona on your blog is so different than what you are in real person?
In real person I am fun, happy, and pretty easy going.  I don't really tell people what is bothering me- instead I just carry it around.. or at least I used to until I found this blog.
Here I spill it all... often without thinking.  I get it out here and then move on with my day.
Is that why I am not getting followers?
Is this blog too negative?
I actually have two other blogs- one about books and one that I am developing for my extended family and Facebook friends to read.  I don't talk like this at those.
I guess in a way it doesn't matter if anyone likes reading this or not.  My mind feels clearer and it is easier to figure things out when I write on here.
And that's what matters.
BTW!  I ran tonight- a HALF MILE!!!! And, it was after I had already walked 1.5 miles.
I am SOOOOO proud of myself.
Crazy thing is- even with all of this exercise and making better food choices... I am not losing weight.
I am even keeping track of what I eat at ADailyPlate.com - AND NO WEIGHT LOSS.
But I am so proud of myself right now I don't care. :)

Best weekend ever... followed by.... Blah

Hi everyone!  I came home this morning from the best Holiday weekedn I have had in a long time!  I am so proud of myself- I found a two mile walk and did it twicw while we were gone.
I also ate relatively well, so that helped too!
I was concious of being a mom that played with my son and we had a good time together!
The weekend went so fast, but it felt good to be "present."  Does that make sense?  There was even a moment on the beach- with the son shining down on me and the wind blowing through my hair... that I stopped and kinda meditated for a little bit.  It felt like life was good.
I was even in a good mood this morning!  We woke up at 6am to drive the hour and a half back from the cabin.  It was horrible traffic, but I smiled and didn't swear once.  I dropped my son off at school and was speeding to work and got pulled over!!! That didn't even dampin my mood.  I just thought,"well, I was speeding."  and waited for my ticket.  Get this- I didn't get one!!!  The policeman just gave me a warning.  That never happens to me!  I was giddy and laughing the whole way into work.
And now, here I sit.  The stress is pounding in my chest.  I am tired and droopy and miserable.
This job is all wrong for me.
And yet I stay because my hours are great and I make really decent money for working 3/4th time.
Anyone have any advice?  I could really use it.

May 26, 2010

My journey of weight loss...and gain... and weight loss again... and gain...

SOOO... I told you a while ago I would tell you my story...
And then I didn't.  And it was because of insurance.
But now I don't care because I have no idea what is going on with my insurance... and I have no idea when or if I am going to get this surgery...  so I am going back to what I know...
Diet pills.
And it sucks...
But, I don't know what else to do.
See, when I was in college, I weighed a very respectable 180 lbs... but thought I was HUGE.
And, some of my friends went on Phen Fen... and looked great... SO I DID TOO.
And I lost ALOT of weight.  I dropped down to 155.  I was sooo happy.  I was a lifeguard and not afraid to wear my swimming suit in public!  I partied, played, and eventually met the guy who is my husband now. 
And then, they made Phen Fen illegal.
And I shot up to 200 lbs.
I found a dr who prescribed Phentermine by itself.
And I started taking that... and I dropped to 175.
And I was happy.
I partied, played, and eventually found out I was pregnant...
And then, I gained all 25 lbs back in a month  and a half.
And then during my pregnancy I got up to 315 lbs.
But then I was so happy being a mom.  I walked everyday and pretty consistently lost about 5 lbs a month for about 2 years until I reached about 240.
I was comfortable where I was, but we wanted to start trying for another child... and we did try... for two years... AND nothing happened.
And. the dr said it was probably my weight... which made sense to me since I had gotten pregnant the first time while on Phentermine.
So... I went back to that same weight loss dr and went back on Phentermine.
And I started to lose weight.
And I kept up the walking, but also added spinning, hip hop dance class, running, and weight lifting.
I also made small changes in the way I ate.  Choosing a McDonalds cone over a Dairy Queen blizzard...
I also did things like park further away from the store.
My son had never been in an elevator because we ALWAYS took the stairs.  I ran and played and truly was a very involved and fun mom.  When the other moms were sitting, I was the one on the monkey bars with the kids.
And I got down to 179 lbs...
And I felt even better.
Then... as you can read from my "depression" post earlier, my life changed.
I had to go back to work.  I hated it.
I remember asking my work if there was any way I could switch my computer to a standing position all day because I hated just sitting there.  My body was in shock.
Here's the kicker.  I went to work for LA Weight Loss.  I was the poster child there because I had been through everything the people who needed help were going through.  And I gave them good advice.
I helped A LOT of people.
But none of them ever knew I was on Phentermine this whole time.
It was a tool for me, like the band is for many of you.
And, I rocked it.
But slowly... the saddness I had that my world had changed so unexpectedly in a way that I really didn't want... just got to be too much.
And I don't know if the tool stopped working, or I just didn't care anymore.
I slowly (over two years) got to 200 lbs.
And I was ok with it because I told myself I wasn't working out anymore and as soon as I started again, I could drop the weight fast.
But then I was at 220... and taking the pills seemed like a waste of time and money.
So, in November, I stopped taking them.
And the last week in December 2009 I went to my first meeting about the band.
I have had no Phentermine since then.
And three weeks ago, I weighed in at 243 lbs.
Today, I weighed 235 lbs.
And also today... I took a Phentermine.
I scheduled an appointment with the "drug doctor" for next Thursday.
I'm going back on Phentermine.

*I had really wanted to be all together when I posted this and include pics from each of these moments... but this just came bursting out when I took this pill today... so I promise I will post pics of each of these moments in the next couple days.

May 25, 2010


I'm at a crossroads right now.  The insurance "issue"- which I still don't completely understand- is still a problem.
My surgery request for approval can not be handed in until this is taken care of.

May 20, 2010

so... I tried running .25 miles.  It was MUCH harder than it was yesterday.  I think I made it .20?  Stopped for a minute to let cars go by and then finished up.  I then walked a mile!  Actually a little more I think!
I can't believe how out of shape I have gotten in the last two years.   Used to walk three miles a day!  But I guess I started somewhere the last time and I will do this again.

Wow... this is all over the place...

This blog is going to get very long I think.. so I want to prepare you for that.... but I just need to get this out.
I think Drazil's post on depression has pushed me to write this (well, and boredom at work... that definitely plays a part as well.)
I know many of you are baffled by me feeling OK with my weight loss surgery being pushed off.  I think I was baffled by it at first as well.
But I think I am coming to terms with the knowledge that there is something else in my life that needs to be fixed along with my weight and that is this strange sadness that seems to have a hold on me right now.
This sadness is always with me.  It isn't the kind where I want to kill myself or lay in bed all day, but it is there.  It feels like a shadow or a balloon following me around. 
I just don't get extremely happy anymore.
It feels like that part of my brain has turned off. 
I know that I used to feel happiness. I loved my life.  I lived everyday to the fullest.
Then something thingS happened.
My husbands business went under.  We went from living a very comfortable life to losing almost everything.  I had to go back to work.  Our infertility became a reality.  I started gaining weight back.
I was in school full time.  We had no money... My car was repo'd... My mother in law passed away... My husband and I separated for a few months...
Everything at once...
I guess I had no time to feel happiness and started to feel even more like there wasn't any happiness.  Maybe I didn't deserve it?
This year things have started to get better financially.  In fact, in most aspects things are much better.
But I am still haunted by sad.
Am I depressed?  I don't know.  I still function on a daily basis.  I make decisions.... but I have no passion.
I was such a creative person before.  Painting, sewing, taking nothing and making it something.... 
I am scared of doing that now. 
I was never afraid to paint a room a color I loved.  I didn't care about what others thought... well, as an example, in the last few years I have painted everythign in my house beige or light yellow in case we needed to sell it. 
I have sold out. 
I need my mojo, my Je ne sais quoi, my lifeblood... however you want to say it...
In pleasing everyone else, I have lost me.

My husband recently bought our first house from the people who bought it from us.  It was in foreclosure (this is what my husband does for a job.)
So, I went over there... and these people had trashed my home.
There were remnants of things I had done... cool faux painting in the kitchen... my first attempt at a garden... and they had trashed it.  Torn down walls in this beautiful 120 year old farmhouse and left pipes and shit all over.  (When I say shit... I actually mean shit... i.e. poop...gag)
Anyway, seeing this served as a strange connection in my brain, because though I accomplished getting my degree, live in the suburbs in a "much better" house, and reblossoming from the deep pit we were in... in the midst of the work towards accomplishment, my life as I remember it has also has been trashed.
I have lost me.
I used to know what I wanted from life, but it all seems mixed up now. 
I am scared to ever trust that everything will be ok. 
When we lived in this house, I had surrendered to fate.  I let the universe guide me and was in a very good place with who I was and who I wanted to be.  I accepted my flaws and was working on changing the things I could.  I would walk for hours and hours with my son in a stroller and just think and talk to him about life.

Now, I am trying to find that person again, but I scared that she doesn't exist anymore.  I work in a job I truly despise because I may a decent wage and am able to work exactly the hours my son is in school.  But I am scared to quit because of what happened to our finances when my husband wasn't working.  I want to look for a new job, but I am terrified of a new beginning and all the unknowing that comes with it.
This is not me.  I used to thrive on new beginnings.

I wish I knew how to change this.  Maybe exercising?  Maybe just actually having time to enjoy life?  Maybe as I have less to do I will naturally become this person again? 
Maybe I need a vacation to just sort this shit out in my head...?
The problem is... life just isn't that simple.
I can't afford right now to take a vacation and I don't think one day off will fix my head.
I feel guilty taking a day off when my son is in school because since I only get a couple weeks vacation- that takes away from the time I can spend with him when he is off school.

I want to move to the country... stop trying to keep up with the Jones... and just experience life.

If you all knew me in real person- you would never guess... people constantly comment and wonder how I can "do everything"  and "get it all done?"  I have prided myself on being that person.  I do more than most all the people I know.  Work, volunteer, school, ... . It looks great on the outside.  You should see my resume!!!
Unfortunatly it's gross here on the inside.  Broken, unfixed... needing some major tending to.  Just like my old house!!!  It feels like a lot of work- just to get me back to basics.  If I can get back to basics- then there all still getting back the extras.

If youa're still with me and reading this... I guess reading all of your blogs and seeing that everyone else has issues too... while looking like we are holding it all together on the outside... it makes me feel better.
It allows me to write this... a rambling, crazy mess...
Now, a deep breath.......