July 20, 2010

Who is to blame?

I am confused, sad, and feel sick to my stomach.  That is the only way to describe it.
There was a terrible accident in my community over the weekend that involved the death of an 11 year old boy. 
The family was involved in our community and I knew the dad from coaching hockey.  Like my son, the little boy who violently passed played hockey and baseball.  My son and him also attended the same private Catholic school and the mom and I had become friends through Facebook over the last two years as we both attended college and tried to find balance.
The cause of death?  A drunk driver.
A 27 year old drunk driver whose last Facebook postings had all involved wanting and needing a "smoke."  A 27 year old woman with mental issues ( I have heard schizophrenia), living in publicly funded housing, who had decided not to take her drugs anymore because they were "messing with her."
This horrible tragedy follows the murder in a car wash of a complete stranger in a city near ours by a 27 year old man who was schizophrenic and had recently been released from a mental hospital.
A couple years back - less than a mile from our house a boy killed his stepmother with an ax in their backyard- only hours after the parents had attempted to check him into a hospital for schizophrenic behavior, but because he was 18, he was released.
Does anyone else see a really f'd up pattern here?
I know that our state pays a lot of money to "take care of their own" with things like Medical Assistance and Public housing, etc.  But what about these people?  They are clearly dangerous.  Why is nothing being done about them? 
Clearly they are hurting others, innocent people- some of whom had even tried to help them.
Can you blame someone who kills because they are mentally sick? 
I have sat for two days hating this girl who killed an innocent boy not much different than my own.  I hate her for drinking and driving and for making my sons friends cry and learn a lesson that 10 year old should not have to learn yet. 
I have heard she is on a suicide watch and I want to be the person watching her- to make sure she doesn't kill herself.  I want her to be alive.  I want her to live a long and healthy life where she is haunted hourly by what she did.
But then, I realize that my hate is doing nothing.  It is making me angry at someone who clearly felt no need to live before this even happened.  Clearly no one cared or supported her, or they would have seen the things happening and stopped them or at least gotten help.  Or maybe they did and no one would help them.  I don't know, I can only hope.
One thing I do know is I am the opposite of her.  I have a strong and loving community around me and seeing this outpouring of love from the families involved in the sports this little boy played shows me that no matter what happens, my family will not be alone.  I will have help if I ever need it and so will my son and husband.  We are blessed.
To all of you- please PLEASE hug your children very tightly tonight and tell them you love them over and over again.  If they want to play a board game- please do.  If they want to tell you a story about their day, please listen with intent.  I know I have been.
This accident has hit way too close to my heart and home.  I am searching for a reason in a world that will not give me one.  I am scared that no matter how much I protect my child... there is no rhyme or reason for what happens. 
I am confused, sad, and feel sick.

July 16, 2010


I thought I would just go ahead and post this as a new blog since it seemed to be the number one questions I was asked.
It is NOT okay with me that my hubs quit his job.  Not at all.  Not a single teensy tiny bit okay.
I am furious.  Mainly because this is not our first time going through this.  A year and a half ago we seperated because of this exact same reason.  I am hurt.  I am dissapointed.  And I feel like my son's and my needs dont matter.
That being said...
My husband is in all other ways a great guy.
He is a fantastic father who supports me fully in all things I choose to do.  When I see how my friends husbands treat them, talk to them, etc, I am often shocked because my husband would never treat me like that. 
He has loved and adored me at my thinnest and my largest.  Sometimes I think he doesn't even notice what I look like.  What I can say is that the best way I can explain how he treats me, is that he adores me.  Not in a creepy stalker way, but in a way that makes me feel special- when I let it.
I did not grow up feeling unconditional love from my family.  My husband did.  He loves me like this.  I don't know how to love him this same way, and yet he understands and accepts that about me.
By no means does this make what he has done okay.  It does not change the fact that he is very irresponsible with money and planning for the future.
Looking back, when we got married I was the same way.  I have changed- he hasn't.  He is the same guy I married ten years ago and I didn't have a problem with it then.
So, basically I am stuck with the issue of leaving him and being forced to be in charge completely (which I am now going to have to  be anyway) or staying together in a very secure family for our son.  I know my son will be picked up and taken places by his dad, which makes me sad because it isn't me.  I will have to be the one working and pushing ahead in a career that I don't love.  My hubs will get to enjoy being a stay at home parent- which is all I want to be in the world.  I will at least again be able to sleep at night (once I find a new job with benefits, etc) because I will only have to depend on me.
So, thats where the big decisions come in that I talked about in my last post.
I know that I am the one who controls how happy I am.  I can choose to hate my husband or accept him.  I just don't know what the right answer is.

July 15, 2010

An announcement to make

Nope, I haven't decided about the surgery.  There is actually more at play in that decision now since my hubs decided to quit his job without telling me and leave us with no insurance... Remember the whole time I thought there was something just mixed up- oh no, it was just cancelled. 
If you cant tell I am kinda pissed about it.
But, I digress...
I weighed myself this morning and the scale said 229.5.  I have lost almost 15 pounds since the day I freaked out at 243.5!
I am very excited about this, but can't figure out where I have lost it from because things dont seem to be fitting me any different.  Maybe I was just carrying the 15 lbs around in my cheeks and chin?
So thats all I wanted to say.  I haven't dropped off the edge of the Earth, but I do have some huge decisions to make... so I may appear here from time to time to purge my mind before I suffocate. 
Is that ok if this isn't only about weight loss?  I guess its my blog and what I say goes.  I just love hearing about all of you girls successes and then I come on here and its... head in the toilet time- just trying to get it all out.