February 9, 2010

Didn't want to mention this...

Haven't posted in a few days- I have had some sad ( though only sad for me) personal things to deal with. Without going into too much detail- my husband and I have been struggling with infertility for SEVEN years. It has never gotten easier or less painful and feels like a nonstop mourning process. Ive lost friends (due to my own inability to deal) and missed out on many events, but it is so painful to go to them that it throws me into a very deep depression. So, I just found out someone close to me is pregnant with their second child after trying for a week. Yes, a week. It hurts and makes me feel evil that it does hurt. So, that's where I have been...
Anyways- on a good note! I am now one week clear of all carbonated beverages. Yup! I did it!!! Yeah!!! I will keep this up for another week and then I meet with my phone nutritionist for the first time on Monday the 15th. I keep noticing myself saying, "after the surgery.. " when making plans- ironic considering I am not approved, and also have so far to go. Feeling positive about things is new to me- so maybe that's a sign...
I'm trying to decide if I should post pictures or not. I have decided to keep this surgery to myself... definitely not something I will talk about on Facebook! I accidentally dropped that I was thinking about doing it at my parents house over Christmas and they freaked! Its funny how they think I am huge 90% of the time, but then comment that I am not big enough to need surgery.
I on the other hand was given a camera for an early Valentines Day present from my husband- and used to enjoy having my picture taken. I mean I liked it enough that I would sit in my office at work and take pictures of myself for fun- just to see how my face looked. Well, I tried to take a picture of myself and kinda wanted to throw up. My face is so fat and so round. Its gross. I disgust myself. Did anyone else out there- echo ECHo echo.... feel even more disgusting than usual while pursuing or waiting for their surgery?
Hopefully that will soon change though. :)

February 5, 2010

On a good note...

I am on day 3!!! of no carbonated beverages- yup! I was going insane all day yesterday and the day before, then this morning I woke up insanely CRAVing ginger ale mixed with cherry flavoring!!! When I say craving- I mean I COULD NOT stop thinking about it- no matter what I did.
Weirdly enough I have been ok at work, but I had a piece of pizza for lunch and almost habitually walked over to the pop machine while eating it!!! I didn't, but I can't believe how en grained it is in me.
Ive been drinking a lot of water though! So that's good.
I wonder if I could actually do this with pasta? That would seriously be insane as that is my favorite food on earth. And its a true go to... I make it when there is time, when there is NO time, when we need a snack, etc...
Wondering what I could replace it with...

worries...

Im really worried I am not going to get approved for surgery. I qualify with my weight and I am in the process of getting checked for sleep apnea, but I am missing the two year history. My husband hasnt had a job in the last two years and I didn't really use the dr with the insurance I had because I was afraid of getting extra bills from it. In turn, I also have not had the money to do any diet programs that cost money. I have tried all the regular stuff on my own- not drinking pop, not eating certain foods( liek being a vegetarian, only eating protien... etc) I have tried Slim Fast, Special K protien water, exercising- many things... just no record of them. I hope my insurance co does not look at this and think I have not tried!!!
It is so fun to look at all of the girls on here and the success they are having with the band! I hope that is me too. It makes me wonder what happens to the people who have complications though. Are there just not truly that many complications? Are they just not bloggers? Or, worst case scenario- do they die? I mean - seriously?

February 3, 2010

New beginnings of new beginnings...

Have many things in the oven right now. finally have looked into adoption! The first meeting we can attend isn't until March, but it ironically falls on a Wednesday during spring break, so I don't have to miss class! That must mean something right?
I also had my first appointment with the dietitian at the bariatric center yesterday! I had no idea that when I went in there I would be weighed in and it would be the weight they used to qualify me for surgery! Luckily I wore heavy clothes and threw a sweater on at the last minute cause I barely squeaked into qualifying! Now I just have to hope that they accept my doctors appts weight s from 5 years ago. The lady at the insurance co helper seems to think it is worth a try, so it looks like I am in full speed mode to get the band too.
The dietician said I should start eating like I am on the band. I think since I have a couple months, I am going to try and grasp one thing at a time. Right now, that means getting rid of carbonated beverages! This is going to be harder than me than any food as I am addicted to pop like drug addict! I use caffeine as a crutch all the time!!! I will need to plan ahead, but I also going to tell myself to not worry so much about the money I spend on coffee drinks for a little while... I wish it wasn't the case, but I honestly need caffeine right now to get by.... :( Working full time, going to school full time, being a mom, etc... its just too much sometimes.