May 20, 2010

Wow... this is all over the place...

This blog is going to get very long I think.. so I want to prepare you for that.... but I just need to get this out.
I think Drazil's post on depression has pushed me to write this (well, and boredom at work... that definitely plays a part as well.)
I know many of you are baffled by me feeling OK with my weight loss surgery being pushed off.  I think I was baffled by it at first as well.
But I think I am coming to terms with the knowledge that there is something else in my life that needs to be fixed along with my weight and that is this strange sadness that seems to have a hold on me right now.
This sadness is always with me.  It isn't the kind where I want to kill myself or lay in bed all day, but it is there.  It feels like a shadow or a balloon following me around. 
I just don't get extremely happy anymore.
It feels like that part of my brain has turned off. 
I know that I used to feel happiness. I loved my life.  I lived everyday to the fullest.
Then something thingS happened.
My husbands business went under.  We went from living a very comfortable life to losing almost everything.  I had to go back to work.  Our infertility became a reality.  I started gaining weight back.
I was in school full time.  We had no money... My car was repo'd... My mother in law passed away... My husband and I separated for a few months...
Everything at once...
I guess I had no time to feel happiness and started to feel even more like there wasn't any happiness.  Maybe I didn't deserve it?
This year things have started to get better financially.  In fact, in most aspects things are much better.
But I am still haunted by sad.
Am I depressed?  I don't know.  I still function on a daily basis.  I make decisions.... but I have no passion.
I was such a creative person before.  Painting, sewing, taking nothing and making it something.... 
I am scared of doing that now. 
I was never afraid to paint a room a color I loved.  I didn't care about what others thought... well, as an example, in the last few years I have painted everythign in my house beige or light yellow in case we needed to sell it. 
I have sold out. 
I need my mojo, my Je ne sais quoi, my lifeblood... however you want to say it...
In pleasing everyone else, I have lost me.

My husband recently bought our first house from the people who bought it from us.  It was in foreclosure (this is what my husband does for a job.)
So, I went over there... and these people had trashed my home.
There were remnants of things I had done... cool faux painting in the kitchen... my first attempt at a garden... and they had trashed it.  Torn down walls in this beautiful 120 year old farmhouse and left pipes and shit all over.  (When I say shit... I actually mean shit... i.e. poop...gag)
Anyway, seeing this served as a strange connection in my brain, because though I accomplished getting my degree, live in the suburbs in a "much better" house, and reblossoming from the deep pit we were in... in the midst of the work towards accomplishment, my life as I remember it has also has been trashed.
I have lost me.
I used to know what I wanted from life, but it all seems mixed up now. 
I am scared to ever trust that everything will be ok. 
When we lived in this house, I had surrendered to fate.  I let the universe guide me and was in a very good place with who I was and who I wanted to be.  I accepted my flaws and was working on changing the things I could.  I would walk for hours and hours with my son in a stroller and just think and talk to him about life.

Now, I am trying to find that person again, but I scared that she doesn't exist anymore.  I work in a job I truly despise because I may a decent wage and am able to work exactly the hours my son is in school.  But I am scared to quit because of what happened to our finances when my husband wasn't working.  I want to look for a new job, but I am terrified of a new beginning and all the unknowing that comes with it.
This is not me.  I used to thrive on new beginnings.

I wish I knew how to change this.  Maybe exercising?  Maybe just actually having time to enjoy life?  Maybe as I have less to do I will naturally become this person again? 
Maybe I need a vacation to just sort this shit out in my head...?
The problem is... life just isn't that simple.
I can't afford right now to take a vacation and I don't think one day off will fix my head.
I feel guilty taking a day off when my son is in school because since I only get a couple weeks vacation- that takes away from the time I can spend with him when he is off school.

I want to move to the country... stop trying to keep up with the Jones... and just experience life.

If you all knew me in real person- you would never guess... people constantly comment and wonder how I can "do everything"  and "get it all done?"  I have prided myself on being that person.  I do more than most all the people I know.  Work, volunteer, school, ... . It looks great on the outside.  You should see my resume!!!
Unfortunatly it's gross here on the inside.  Broken, unfixed... needing some major tending to.  Just like my old house!!!  It feels like a lot of work- just to get me back to basics.  If I can get back to basics- then there all still getting back the extras.

If youa're still with me and reading this... I guess reading all of your blogs and seeing that everyone else has issues too... while looking like we are holding it all together on the outside... it makes me feel better.
It allows me to write this... a rambling, crazy mess...
Now, a deep breath.......


  1. Wow Kristi, you have definitely gone through some tough times lately. And yes, I think that you are in a depression. You can be depressed and still be able to function.

    It sounds like your life is getting back to normal in all other aspects, but from your description, it really sounds like you are depressed to me.

    I hope that you get your Surgery approval soon, so you can start losing weight, and gaining your self esteem back.

    It's not easy, take it from me. If you don't change your way of eating, the weight loss will either be super slow, or you will have no weight loss at all. But it can be done and the end result will be worth it!!

    I am 6 months and 5 days out from Surgery, and I have only lost 35.8 lbs from the start of the Pre-Op diet, and 18.2 lbs since Surgery. But I am getting myself back on track. I allowed my Head Hunger to control me for too long!

    Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you.


  2. Kristi - I am so sorry, but somehow I missed this post. I definitely agree with Debi that you are definitely depressed. And hopefully you don't get offended when I say that because it's not your fault. People tend to think of depression as a stigma, but it's not. Sometimes it's just a chemical imbalance. My husband was severly depressed and went on an anti-depressant and I swear he turned into a different person. He was so happy that I had talked him into getting help. Some people need therapy as well. Lastly I think you need to stop trying to do it all. Maybe you are simply burnt out. Anyway, I hope you find what you need and get your emotional health back soon.