May 12, 2010

Liar yesterday. Thief today.

I am hungry.
Really hungry.
I went off my plan of liquids during the day and one meal at night that I am hoping to follow until I have surgery in June.
I cheated. 
I ate 4 slices of toast (light bread) with peanut butter and honey before I went to bed.  This was after having a Big Mac Snack Wrap with my son and then having more dinner than I probably should have.  Oh and I had two glasses of wine.
My son and I also went out to breakfast in the morning.
Here's the crazy thing...
I don't know how I feel about this "bad day."
On one hand I am frustrated at myself for screwing up.
On the other - for breakfast I had an egg white omelet with turkey, spinach, and tomato. (I did have a couple bites of my sons choc chip pancakes though!!!) I did not eat the toast AND I got fresh fruit instead of hash browns.
Then at McDonald's- I did not get a pop.  I also did not get fries.
I drank lots of water all day.
The two glasses of wine were a very dark red.  Not beer or a soda drink.
Dinner was this chicken, cheese, biscuit, and Cream of Chicken mixture that we love.  Probably NOT the healthiest choice, but I am also being nice to myself with dinners and not stressing about what I eat so much.
My badness was four pieces of light toast with organic peanut butter and HONEY?  That's not so BAD.

I know I didn't do what I wanted.
But I wonder if some of my food issues are getting better?
I am making healthier choices.  Even at my worst.

But now its today.
And whatever I did yesterday is effecting me today.  A LOT.
I am starving. 
I want carbs, pop, and things out of the vending machine.
I have already had a protein shake and apple sauce.  And a cheese stick.
And then... I ate tortilla chips.  Five big ones.
What the hell?
I was thinking- DON'T EAT THIS -------> YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET IT. 
And I did it anyway.
I feel mad at myself.
The willpower I felt I was developing seems weaning.

And you want to know the worst of it?
I am so guilty.
I probably shouldn't share this.
But its just a perfect example of where my brain is at...
I just STOLE  .....borrowed..... a 5.5oz can of V8 out of the refrigerator at my work.
Yes.  I did.
In my defense, the V8 has been there for weeks.
I haven't opened it. 
It is just sitting on my desk taunting me.

Clearly, I have a problem....
I'm going to go put it back... right now.

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