May 2, 2010

Defining moment?

Thanks for all of your responses to the question about gastric vs banding.  I think if gastric had been my only choice I never would have pursued it.  And to be honest, without seeing all of your blogs, I do not know if I would be as comfortable with banding as I am.
That being said, I have decided to start my liquid diet tomorrow.  Even with not knowing if I can have the surgery in May or June. 
My decision in this has not come easily.  I weighed in at 240 at the dr on Thursday.  I need to be at 231.  Even with knowing this- I just weighed myself now and I am at 243.5.  Granted, I know that I will weigh more at night after standing and eating all day, but seriously?  How can I know that I have this on the line and STILL not make a change? 
I am ashamed and disgusted with myself and I know that saying things like, "granted... I know I weigh more at night" have gotten me to where I am.  I so easily say things like, "Im eating this because I am a student and a mom and I am busy..."  or " I deserve a treat."  or " That skinny girl is eating this so I should be able to too."  I even told my husband today that I am sure I will lose weight because I will have so much less stress once I am done with my final tomorrow.  See, I know this is rational and true for some, but I also know that I will be celebrating my graduation and that will be another reason for me to eat...  And I finally am at a point where I am asking myself, "HOW BAD ARE YOU GOING TO LET IT GET?"
I have headaches constantly, I won't go meet any of the people my husband works with because I am embarrassed to be his "fat" wife.  I don't want to see any of my old friends because I am ashamed of how much weight I have gained since they last saw me...  I have headaches all the time and cant move my body the way I used to.  I get tired just throwing a football with my son.  Honestly, "HOW BAD ARE YOU GOING TO LET IT GET?" 
I need to make a change.  I need to know I can control some part of my life.  I need to feel SOMETHING.
I think the worst part of where I am at is that I am numb.  I think the only feeling I truly feel is sadness.  Maybe also a little disappointment.
I have a huge accomplishment coming up this week.  I GRADUATE from college.  Fifteen years after I graduated from highschool.  I should be thrilled.  I accomplished this while holding down a job, a family, and a large amount of volunteer work... I cried, fought, and missed special events in my son's life to get to this point... (Geez... Im starting to tear up... )
I should be SO PROUD.  But do you know what I thought today?
"I cant wait to see my son see me walk across the stage? .... NO!
"I cant wait to see the opportunity this accomplishment brings me?" .... NO!
or even... "Good for me!" .... NO!
I thought...
"I don't want to have my picture taken in four days."

And that makes me sad.
Hopefully, sad enough that I have had a defining moment... a breakthrough...and I am going to change direction in my life.


  1. Hi Kristi, I just found your blog and will be Following you! I will read your blog from the beginning in a day or so.


  2. HI Kristi, just found you after I led you astray on the artichoke thing. Sorry about that (and more about artichokes in a minute). First, I just want to tell you I could have written the parts of your post about being embarrassed to see old friends or meet your husbands' colleagues. In fact, I'm sure I *did* write it at some point. I was banded in January, and it hasn't been an easy experience but for the first time in my life I have hope that I will conquer this thing and actually maintain the weight loss. Hang in there, enjoy every second of your graduation and know that when you are ready, the band will be there for you. So you don't need to worry about doing it today. It will happen. Hang in there.

    Re the artichokes, I found this site really helpful:

    Good luck!

  3. Hi Kristi! I just found your blog and I'm following you now. I've been banded just over a year now and wanted to give a different perspective. As hard as the decision may be and how disappointed you might be in yourself for your decisions in the past this is a good decision you're making! There's a fantastic group of ladies on here and reading their blogs is extremely helpful. Keep up the good work with the pre-op that was by far one of the hardest "diets" (or torture devices) I've ever endured.
    While the band may be considered slow compared to the gastric by-pass, it is like that for a reason. Slow weight loss is more sustainable and we're looking to make a lasting life change. I personally wouldn't have even qualified for the by-pass and just barely met the criteria for the band. While I've been banded for a year and "only" lost about 40 pounds, its worth even cent and second.

  4. Hi Kristi,
    I was the exact same and then all of sudden the damn light turns on and everything starts to look and seem normal. One step at a time and yes a TRUE HOCKEY MOM! My son is 9 and here in Vancouver we call it Atom....