Thanks for all of your responses to the question about gastric vs banding. I think if gastric had been my only choice I never would have pursued it. And to be honest, without seeing all of your blogs, I do not know if I would be as comfortable with banding as I am.
That being said, I have decided to start my liquid diet tomorrow. Even with not knowing if I can have the surgery in May or June.
My decision in this has not come easily. I weighed in at 240 at the dr on Thursday. I need to be at 231. Even with knowing this- I just weighed myself now and I am at 243.5. Granted, I know that I will weigh more at night after standing and eating all day, but seriously? How can I know that I have this on the line and STILL not make a change?
I am ashamed and disgusted with myself and I know that saying things like, "granted... I know I weigh more at night" have gotten me to where I am. I so easily say things like, "Im eating this because I am a student and a mom and I am busy..." or " I deserve a treat." or " That skinny girl is eating this so I should be able to too." I even told my husband today that I am sure I will lose weight because I will have so much less stress once I am done with my final tomorrow. See, I know this is rational and true for some, but I also know that I will be celebrating my graduation and that will be another reason for me to eat... And I finally am at a point where I am asking myself, "HOW BAD ARE YOU GOING TO LET IT GET?"
I have headaches constantly, I won't go meet any of the people my husband works with because I am embarrassed to be his "fat" wife. I don't want to see any of my old friends because I am ashamed of how much weight I have gained since they last saw me... I have headaches all the time and cant move my body the way I used to. I get tired just throwing a football with my son. Honestly, "HOW BAD ARE YOU GOING TO LET IT GET?"
I need to make a change. I need to know I can control some part of my life. I need to feel SOMETHING.
I think the worst part of where I am at is that I am numb. I think the only feeling I truly feel is sadness. Maybe also a little disappointment.
I have a huge accomplishment coming up this week. I GRADUATE from college. Fifteen years after I graduated from highschool. I should be thrilled. I accomplished this while holding down a job, a family, and a large amount of volunteer work... I cried, fought, and missed special events in my son's life to get to this point... (Geez... Im starting to tear up... )
I should be SO PROUD. But do you know what I thought today?
"I cant wait to see my son see me walk across the stage? .... NO!
"I cant wait to see the opportunity this accomplishment brings me?" .... NO!
or even... "Good for me!" .... NO!
"I don't want to have my picture taken in four days."
And that makes me sad.
Hopefully, sad enough that I have had a defining moment... a breakthrough...and I am going to change direction in my life.
Chapter 38: This one is for me
5 weeks ago