May 10, 2010

Too bad, SOOOO sad.

*****Warning: if you are looking for a happy- go- lucky post.... this isn't it.****
I haven't posted anything because I have been trying to just deal.
I found out on Friday that my husband screwed something up on our insurance payment and the company is trying to figure it out.  In the meantime, it is showing that we have no insurance.
Yes, this is right in the middle of me trying to get f'ing approved!
I am so mad at my husband because he is being such a dick about this whole thing- when he is the one who screwed it up!!! ARRRGGGHHHH! This whole thing is so stressful as it is.
Then, in the midst of all of this- I got my graduation pictures back.
And I look like a BIG HUGE WHALE.
See the similarity? When I see these pictures I hear the noise... MWWWWWAAAAAAARRRRRR - like a big huge animal about to eat a little tiny helpless animal- that cant move because it is terrified.
I should be proud, but I am disgusted.

Heart broken. Isn't black supposed to be slimming?
     And, why do my feet look so friggin tiny?
           Granted that friggin hat is not helping...
Can I be honest with you?
I mean really, brutally honest?
When I look in the mirror I do not see this person.  I really don't!
    I see someone completely different!
 Then, also on Friday, the hubs took me out and a bunch of our friends were there to surprise me.  We had a few drinks, took a few pics... and the majority of them look like I am a GIANT next to all of my friends.
I couldn't find anything to wear that night... muffin top was on full effect. 
How can Size 20 be so HUGE on me that I cant wear them because they are falling down and then size 18 be so tight that it causes a huge sausage around my middle?

I have been starving myself for one week.  Making good choices even when doing things like going out.  Yesterday I ate shrimp and calamari with veggies - grilled-  at a Mongolian Barbeque.  It was disgusting, but I was trying for lean protein.  It was Mother's Day and the fam wanted to go out.  I woke up and weighed myself this morning- and I am right back to 239.2.  WTF?  One week of starving- and one meal (and admittedly a few drinks on Friday night) and everything goes right back in the shitter?  I had to have consumed at the very least 5000 calories less last week than I do any other week and not a pound lost?
Not only that, but I did MAJOR yard work yesterday.  Digging and carrying and planting and cutting - from 7am until 1:30pm.  I didn't stop moving once.
Why?  Why is it like this? Why can't I make this work without having a surgery?
I am really and truly making MAJOR life changes.  And I am not expecting miracles.  REALLY, I'm not. 
But a small change would be really, really nice.  Not to mention, encouraging.  And to keep doing this eating plan, I need encouragement.  At work, I can walk across the street to a Burger King, a McDonalds, AND a Subway and I don't know if I can continue to have the willpower for another month when I MIGHT be able to have surgery on June 17th, assuming this insurance thing ever gets fixed.
                   I just want to cry. 

                      Like a baby.

         Why can't everything be easy?

  I have more to post later (throughout the day).  I have decided to tell you guys my story about my weight.  Complete with pictures (if I can find them).


  1. That really sucks about the whole insurance thing. I hope that it all works out. Don't be to hard on him, just make sure you take care of it next time!

    I don't think that you look like a whale in your grad pictures! You are being too hard on yourself.

  2. thanks for the comment on my blog. Hang in there, it is crazy. My journey to get the band was a long one! started in January and wasn't banded until August. But it's so worth it! You will hopefully soon have the BEST tool ever.

  3. You are beautiful! Congrats on graduation! I hope you are able to get the insurance fixed in time to have your surgery next month.

    Scales are funny things. This journey is about so much more than the number on the scale. Don't let it get you down. We all have weeks (and even months) where no matter how good we were with eating and exercise, that the scale doesn't move--even with the band. Hang in there.

  4. Thanks guys! I think the insurance thing will be fixed soon and then I will know. I think I said this before but I am kinda thankful for this opportunity to "fix" some things that are "broken" in the way I am living, and I really think that will help me be more successful with the band. Like you guys all always make me see... this is a journey.
    And, I didn't weigh myself today. My pants feel looser and I think I might just take that as a positive and go from there.