*****Warning: if you are looking for a happy- go- lucky post.... this isn't it.****I haven't posted anything because I have been trying to just deal.
I found out on Friday that my husband screwed something up on our insurance payment and the company is trying to figure it out. In the meantime, it is showing that we have no insurance.
Yes, this is right in the middle of me trying to get f'ing approved!
I am so mad at my husband because he is being such a dick about this whole thing- when he is the one who screwed it up!!! ARRRGGGHHHH! This whole thing is so stressful as it is.
Then, in the midst of all of this- I got my graduation pictures back.
See the similarity? When I see these pictures I hear the noise... MWWWWWAAAAAAARRRRRR - like a big huge animal about to eat a little tiny helpless animal- that cant move because it is terrified.
I should be proud, but I am disgusted.
Heart broken. Isn't black supposed to be slimming?
And, why do my feet look so friggin tiny?
Granted that friggin hat is not helping...
Can I be honest with you?
I mean really, brutally honest?
When I look in the mirror I do not see this person. I really don't!
I see someone completely different!
Then, also on Friday, the hubs took me out and a bunch of our friends were there to surprise me. We had a few drinks, took a few pics... and the majority of them look like I am a GIANT next to all of my friends.I couldn't find anything to wear that night... muffin top was on full effect.
How can Size 20 be so HUGE on me that I cant wear them because they are falling down and then size 18 be so tight that it causes a huge sausage around my middle?
I have been starving myself for one week. Making good choices even when doing things like going out. Yesterday I ate shrimp and calamari with veggies - grilled- at a Mongolian Barbeque. It was disgusting, but I was trying for lean protein. It was Mother's Day and the fam wanted to go out. I woke up and weighed myself this morning- and I am right back to 239.2. WTF? One week of starving- and one meal (and admittedly a few drinks on Friday night) and everything goes right back in the shitter? I had to have consumed at the very least 5000 calories less last week than I do any other week and not a pound lost?
Not only that, but I did MAJOR yard work yesterday. Digging and carrying and planting and cutting - from 7am until 1:30pm. I didn't stop moving once.
Why? Why is it like this? Why can't I make this work without having a surgery?
I am really and truly making MAJOR life changes. And I am not expecting miracles. REALLY, I'm not.
But a small change would be really, really nice. Not to mention, encouraging. And to keep doing this eating plan, I need encouragement. At work, I can walk across the street to a Burger King, a McDonalds, AND a Subway and I don't know if I can continue to have the willpower for another month when I MIGHT be able to have surgery on June 17th, assuming this insurance thing ever gets fixed.
I just want to cry.
Like a baby.
Why can't everything be easy?
I have more to post later (throughout the day). I have decided to tell you guys my story about my weight. Complete with pictures (if I can find them).